Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
