I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
