OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Is it penis luge time yet?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
