it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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