sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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