Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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