Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
