I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
