That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
