My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
