guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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