so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
