i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
