my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
