just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
