Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We just shotgunned beers for America
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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