i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
