Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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