I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
