Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
