My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
