Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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