I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
