i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
