That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
