If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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