I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So. Much. Porn.
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