we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
