Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
