To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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