The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
