she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
