Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
