I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
