so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
