All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
