get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
