I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I cut my penus on the lid.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
