my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My cat gives me a boner
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
