Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
