you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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