dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
