By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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