I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
