i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
