Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
