I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
