I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
