the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
