White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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