You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
