Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
