Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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